Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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