We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
