Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
