shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
