the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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