Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
