Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
