I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
