The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
