The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
