So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
