im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
There's always time for handjobs
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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