My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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