I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
