I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
