there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
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All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
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I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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