btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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