I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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