I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
