I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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