Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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