I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
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It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
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He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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