My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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