there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
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