I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
