the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
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He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
When did angry sex become our thing?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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