I got chris browned last night
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I am midnight drunk by noon
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
My life is pants optional.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
