yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I am one with the molecules
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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