I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
