Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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