I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
