I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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