We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
