bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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