I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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