I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
