Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
