remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
