I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
