He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
