dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
