I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
