Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
