I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
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I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
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Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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