i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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