I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
