You're a womanizer and a bitch.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
