I can text with my tongue
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
