Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You pole danced in your parka.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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