you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
