My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
