Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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