Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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