u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
