your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
