There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
