I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
